Dizzy

Please, Lord, GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE and get a job asap! I can't be here anymore... I'm dying here!

I feel like my heart is breaking a little. I didn't know how much I loved this place until I was faced with the end. I'm leaving my wonderful office full of singing and dancing and playing bumperchairs and the most random people in the world...


...and I'm donning a silly black dress and an apron. And, might I add, I am not NEARLY as prepared as I thought I was.

But that's not the point. I'll do fine. This company loves me. And owes me.

The point is that I'm getting close to more people as the time wears on and I kind of hate to leave with so many baby relationships just getting on their feet. That's going to end. I can come back and visit as much as I want but it won't be the same.

And then there's a boy. There's always a boy. And while nothing happened, something might have if we knew I wasn't leaving. That much is clear. It might have been great, who knows? I guess that's a regret I'll always have- not knowing.

I have so much to look forward to when I get home, though. My birthday, alumni weekend, getting back to my roots at HRC... all my friends are in Buffalo. It's not so bad.

My first purchase of 2008 came to the grand total of $6.66. I knew it was a bad omen.

My dad's cancer is back. We're headed back to the chemo, which is of course, a good time had by all.

I'm kind of let down. I'm not surprised; he's been so sick lately.

I'll repress and overshadow it for my last few weeks in Boston. I plan on doing some heavy drinking. I may even try to have a hookup while I'm here. It would be a shame to waste this year and a half without tasting the local flavor.

So I'll just pretend that my life is great and put it all away 'till I get home. I know I can lean on people there. It's great to have good friends.

It's now 4 a.m. I was up at 5 this morning because the cats were hungry. I hung around then went to work.

Precursor to the story (is precursor the right word?): When I transfer back to Niagara, they said I could do what I want. So I said serve. Why not? I've never done it but I feel the money is better.

So I got some training here in Boston.

Training in the form of serving about a 15 table section with Elanna while a Pearl Jam cover band played. I couldn't tell you what they played. I ran around like the chicken sans head.

I made SICK money. I would have made more had I not been splitting it with her.

Not bad for my first time serving EVER.

Downside? I just got home. I could not do this every day.

But I'm proud. I didn't fuck up once. I did pretty well!

I love Thanksgiving... it's the best holiday. All that food... and the best night of the year to gather ALL your closest friends in one bar and drink. Lots, in Lisa's case. :)

It was really great to feel part of a group again- it's what I miss so much. I don't have a group here. I have... a loose web of drinking buddies. And we don't really get together much anymore. I can't wait to come home. I really hope that I'll be seeing the crew often. I want to hang out with everyone I missed and pretty much never leave home again.

I'm listening to one of those nostalgic songs right now. It takes me to a good place. I wish I could stay there.

I keep saying "25," trying to get used to being in my mid-twenties. Ugh. When did I get so old? I thought (I really DID think, truly) that I would be married by now. I would have met a nice Bona boy and married him by now. Life has taken unexpected turns and I'm going to end up back in Buffalo for good. In phases, I have thought that I was going to stay there, I thought I was going to stay here, I thought maybe I'd try another city... I think the thinking is done for good. I can't really leave again, can I? Someone has to be there for my mom.

She said the most upsetting thing to me when I was home. She said, "Soon, it's just going to be the three of us." It keeps resounding in my head like the MOST intrusive ringtone in the world.

I don't want to think of that. I was really content just repressing all those thoughts about losing my dad. I mean... and I'm going to be completely candid...  I am happy just living in my little "nothing ever hurts" bubble. I am good there. I'm the cheery, positive one. It's so hard lately.

Maybe my will to suppress died when she said that.

Fucking will. I need it so much more now. I just need to get through it. Because really... if we do lose him... I'm not going to be okay. So I really need to be okay up to that point. I can't just be a miserable mess until it's reality. I don't like myself like this. I have a hard time smiling. I need to keep smiling, damnit! That's my job. I'm the fun one. I'm the positive one. I don't like miserable Andrea.

Alright, I've been miserable for a while. Sure, I'll give you that one. But this is different. True, I haven't been sleeping well in months- weird dreams and laying awake with the cats. But I can slap on the happy face when I need it. Today, Lelle bought me a peppermint mocha and I still couldn't get back to myself.

Maybe I'm depressed. I paced the restaurant with no idea of what to do for hours today. Overtired and jittery and unfocused. It kind of sucks. I have family problems. I have money problems. I am a little lonely and a lot homesick. I miss my friends...

Maybe I need to be medicated.

I don't want comments of support or pats on the head like, "you'll be okay." Don't give me shit about God not giving us anything more than we can handle. I just wanted to put this out there... I need to pour my heart out. I need Xanax or something to help me sleep.

I had a horrific dream last night about all of my teeth coming out while I chewed gum. I can still feel the teeth rolling around in my mouth. Doesn't help that, in my sleep, I chewed the fuck out of the insides of my cheeks. I'm all swelled now... not so hot.

Teeth dreams are apparently insight into my anxiety about my appearance. On two different occasions, men (one gay, one may as well be) told me that the girls look HUGE. I can't help but think that it's because I'm getting... oh, pretty fat. Stress eating. LOTS of stress eating. I can't get my $70 Banana Outlet pants zipped (doesn't mean I don't wear them, though). I'm a fucking mess.

I gave my notice on Monday. As soon as we find a replacement, I'm gone. That makes me so incredibly sad. I love my job and my team so much. The team got their bonuses a few weeks ago- I don't bonus because I'm not salary- and they put some into the pot and split it between me and Ashley. Amazing. Who would do that? I will never find another group like that in one place... I'll miss it.

I guess it's back to the past. I'm going to be subbing at the high school and working at Hard Rock until I find a job. I suppose it'll happen this time- I'll look much harder and this time I have a bit more of a direction to look in... and an idea of what I want to do.

Well... maybe not what I want to do. But what I'm able to do- what kind of skills I have now. I won't have to work customer service at Geico- but I'll take it if that's all I can get.

I don't know, but anyhow I'm so crazy stressed out lately. People talk to me and I don't actually remember it five minutes later. I just really want to go home. I will be so relieved once I'm there. I'm just surprised and dissapointed that I'm not more upset about leaving. I love this city... I just haven't had the life I thought I would, and the grass is greener in WNY, apparently. Well, yeah... there's no grass here. There's traffic.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

We'll just start this by noting that you should always pay your utility bills on time or you end up not posting on LJ for two months.

Things are not better... things are much worse.

I hate floating through my life without any purpose. It's an AWFUL feeling! I'm just... existing. I'm not moving forward. I'm not doing anything. I eat a lot. I go to work.

Miserable.

But really, would I do anything if I had the chance to?

Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

Am I miserable because I never do anything or do I never do anything because I am miserable?

Why am I here, again? I'm so lonely. I wish I were back in Buffalo every empty second.



Can't believe I just said "I wish I were back in Buffalo."




But it's just so true. Every muscle in my body rebelled against me when I walked through security at the Buffalo airport the last time I was home. I didn't want to come back. If it weren't for all my damned responsibilities I would be back right now. I like my job and my boss so much. I have a lease to worry about. I can't fucking afford to live my life. I have to scrape together quarters to do laundry. I don't pay my bills until they threaten to turn my power off. My roommate isn't really helping me that much- she always writes me a check for her half, then forgets about it and overdraws her account. I don't want to cash it, you know? All the while I'm overdrawing my account every week, ending up so far in the hole that my paycheck will barely cover the debt- forget buying food and paying rent.

I make it work. I do what I can. I go to work and sit on the couch and exist. And when I do have money to go out, it's never a good time. They're not RIGHT here. I can't just seem to find anyone that wants to go out dancing. Or go to the Jazz festival or Regatta or... ya know, do anything fun other than drink at Jacob's house. I don't want to go drink at Jacob's house. I don't have a good time.

I'm whining.

I'll be home by April. I guess that's the point of all this.

Let's start with Some Dude was killed in front of my building a few weeks ago.

I don't quite know what to make of that so I'll just laugh uncomfortably about it.

I have heard bar brawl, mugging, and Somerville Mafia-related killing. I don't know what to believe. I just know that he was found without ID and not wearing pants.



I went to NYC with Lisa and Angela. We saw Dispatch... dirty hippies... they were everywhere. It was weird. And we may have gotten a little contact-high.



After I got home, I decided it was time to change out my nose ring and put in a pretty rhinestone.

Big mistake. I forgot a little that I need the "expensive" kind of earrings or else they itch. It was magnified with my nose. It magnified my nose... we're talking big red splotchy bump.

So hot.

I must have pulled it out in my sleep...

I no longer have an edge.

My body rejected my edge.




And then... I finished book 7 in 10 hours. I realized at 1:30 a.m. that I hadn't eaten since breakfast. And that I had to pee pretty badly.

I did both. Then I went to bed to let it sink it.

Yes, I still believe that it was AMAZING. She's so talented... and the book was so good. I relished every minute of it.

I will miss that series.




And then the big thing... Dad is doing okay. Mom is not faring as well. I just want this all to be over and Dad to be well again...

They said They saw a slight improvement in his last scan. That's definitely encouraging. If just one hit of chemo can do ANY BIT of difference lightens the load a bit. This may turn out alright after all.

I am feeling like this is never going to end.

I'm afraid my family will never be the same. I want my joking, hard working and never complaining, healthy dad back.

My mom's not okay. They're a team- she's not right unless he's right. I want my mom back, too.

Casey seems to be okay. I mean... I know she's not, but she's still living, which is great.

I'm glad I'm here in Boston. I mean, I wish I was home to be with them and help them through this, but I'm also glad I'm here and not really dealing with it. That's how I am... I do better when I don't deal with things.

I'm slightly dealing with this. I'm dealing with my job- I'm doing a terrible job, but they're cutting me a lot of slack. I wonder when that's going to end. It has to be soon. I'm no longer "new at this."

I need to stop fucking up at work. I need to start dealing with my family issues. I need to stop eating ice cream and vegetating in front of my TV to escape reality.

Well... at least I know I have a problem. Admitting is the first step, right?

I can't really get to much into this for risk of losing it...

My first business trip was great. Drank Arbor Mist and beers by the pool in the sweltering heat every night before bed with a bunch of amazing folks. And I learned a lot more about my job.

And I got my nose pierced.

Don't tell my parents. They have way too much to worry about right now.

I called my parents when I landed at Logan on Friday to tell them that I got home safe.

My dad has had back problems for a long time. He finally went to the doctor. They thought it was probably kidney stones, not back problems.

No stones.

Tumor.

Malignant.

That means cancer. My wonderful daddy has cancer.

And I'm in Boston. I can't be there with them. My mother is fragile. I can't lose it now- what the hell would she do if she had to comfort me? I don't know for sure (because I'm not there) but I'm pretty sure that she's having hard enough time dealing with this herself.

So I'm dealing.

Sorry to pour this out on LJ. I need to put it out there for the universe.

My dad has the cancer. I can't imagine losing him...

so I won't. I'll compartmentalize this as I do with many other things.

But I just wanted to put it out there. I'm not being cold or rude. I'm just compartmentalizing.